Highlights of the Dork

Highlights of My Week

Nick Ratliff — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 03:40:37 +0000

1. Invented a game called, “Lets see how short of a fuse I have when the fucker at work who clacks his teeth while he eats wants something from me.”

2. Answered the game’s question… pretty short.

3. Just before lunch my stomach rumbled for so long that rather than acknowledging it, I just ignored it and let it rumble away.

4. Totally pulled the Empire Strikes Back Han Solo when I got inquisitive looks about said tummy rumble by nodding at inquisitors and adding the cool-as-shit line, “I know.”

5. Decided I’m not so much awkward as just really really good at keeping how cool I am a secret.

6. Skipped out on bar night for a presentation about how God and alcohol don’t mix.

7. Went home afterwords and did a little presentation of my own where I mixed every type of alcohol available and called the drink “God”… Actually “God” mixes pretty well.

8. Argued with a Libertarian whether government serves a purpose.

9. Got pissed off and “taxed” the Libertarian by pointing a gun in his face and taking his wallet.

10. Beer and pizza. ‘Nuf said.

Highlights of My Week

Nick Ratliff — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 05:12:00 +0000

1.Decided to start ranking video games on a base 10 system determined by the likelihood of myself being able to exert the same athletic ability as the main character.

2.Realized that with my progressive physical deterioration due to ass-to-couch syndrome, I will never find a Score 10 game.

3.Went into work and found a hotpocket in the microwave… Ate it.

4.Made eye contact and out-stretched my hand until a co-worker took my hand to helped me cross the street to my car.

5.Lost a merit badge and didn’t help an elderly woman cross the street (went around her slow ass).

6.Successfully bated the IT support staff into telling me about their online adventures in League of Legends.

7.Watched the IT support staff’s minds explode in frustrated confusion after I told them I get a more fulfilling role playing experience out of CounterStrike.

8.Checked the UPS routing number for my new video card on the hour… every. hour.

9.Pondered if this nerd will ever be a use for his Political Science degree.

10.Wished there was a Justin Beiber/SlipKnot mashup… Oh wait. There is: www.youtube.com/watch?v=kspPE9E1yGM

Highlights of My Week… Yep its back.

Nick Ratliff — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 02:30:31 +0000

1. Got pissed off in a coffee shop because apparently the old rule of thumb “If i can smell you coming, its too much perfume” no longer applies.
2. Decided that gay guys either dress stylishly or like rodeo clowns with feathered hats. ( …or is poultry “in?” )
3. Decided T9 never wants me to send a strongly worded text message as it replaces “fuck” with “duck,” transforming the previously harsh text into a harmless and adorable text.
4. Realized that Americans do care about the World Cup but lose interest because the United States never gets past the first round.
5. Pined for golf to be the next sport infected by the vulvuzela.
6. After a prolonged tickle fight, realized that tickling is nothing more than a passive-aggressive technique to suffocate someone.
7. Counted out loud the number of times the undereducated waiter at Red Robbin passed by my empty glass of coke.
8. Invented a surprisingly satisfying game called, “No tip for asshole waiters who pass by my oh-so-wonderfully-thirst-quenching glass of ice.”
9. Got pulled over by three cops on the way home from Boise for a busted tail light.
10. In a related incident… began brainstorming witty responses for “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Highlights of My Week

Nick Ratliff — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 05:55:53 +0000

1. Realized Babe Ruth is to baseball what Lady Gaga is to prostitution.
2. Also realized Sarah Palin is the political equivalent to herpes.
3. Wished any future children of mine’s first words are “hello world.”
4. Felt the need to download Anti-piracy adds from Limewire.
5. Wondered how many takes it took in Top Gun for Tom Cruise to get his famous “I’ve got the need for speed” line right. We all know he said, “I’ve got the need for cock” at least once.
6. Decided to make my own version of “That’s what she said.” I call it “Wow, good thing that had context.”
After many a pantsless Saturdays, I’ve concluded pants are a conspiracy of the working elite.
8. Invented a game called “Find someone with a WWJD bracelet” and offer them wine.
9. Wished I had a spaceship so I could go to other planets and make crop circles to confuse aliens.
10. Realized that my father was very disrespectful to my mother every time he called me a “son-of-a-bitch” growing up.

Highlights of my week

Nick Ratliff — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 07:16:48 +0000

1. Realized NNU gives students bunkbeds, not to save space, but to ensure the person on the top bunk doesn’t have any kind of sex life what so ever.
2. Invented a game called “how close can you slide on the tile floor Risky Business style without hitting the door.”
3. Substituted Orbitz gum for brushing my teeth.
4. Wondered how HBO’s ratings would have faired if Sex and the City had been about male sex lives.
5. Came across a drunk naked wino with a strategically placed cardboard sign that said “invisible.”
6. Let the cops help the bum understand that no matter how drunk you are, hiding behind a sign that says, “invisible” doesn’t make you invisible.
7. Realized that describing events in WWII can be easily skewed into sexual innuendo. “Wanna do a little island hopping?” or “I’ll invade your Normandy beaches.”
8. Wrote a letter to Ragu spaghetti sauce proposing a “golden ticket” marketing scheme where some lucky winner would win a spot in an organized crime syndicate.
9. Wrote another letter to Ragu demanding they compensate for the stains their sauce put on my favorite shirt.
10. Met a guy in a red and white striped shirt, handed him a map, and said, “Find yourself mother fucker.”

Highlights of My Week ( last week)

Nick Ratliff — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 07:16:19 +0000

1. Was disappointed to realized the population of dump trucks in the sandbox as a kid was in no way proportional to the population of dump trucks in the world at large.
2. Followed the stuck up blonde in my French class around the Dex and kept whispering, “You don’t want to eat that.”
3. Found out that the new Wal-mart sample attendants are so old and senile they can’t remember if you’ve already taken a sample. Free meals (albeit in small bites) for life!
4. Had a dream I ended the world in 1998 by getting Carson Daily excited about something on TRL.
5. Let an Elementary Ed major practice reading to me as if I was a 2nd grader.
6. Wrote a review of the Elementary Ed major in which I suggested she pick a book that wasn’t so uplifting and wouldn’t give the kids such unrealistic expectations about life.
7. Realized the squishy Walmart Greeter standing mats make great seat cushions.
8. Thus, invented a game called “distract the greeter while a buddy steals their squishy mat.”
9. Wondered how high school would have been different if Goth kids would have picked a happier color to wear.
10.Set a new record of only remarking 3 times this week on how pretty my car is.

Highlights of my Week

Nick Ratliff — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 00:07:44 +0000

1. Wished that just once, someone in the background of a local news anchor “live at the scene” would stop and check out the anchor woman’s ass.
2. Began basing my opinions of 40 year olds by whether or not they could regularly use the word “dude.”
3. Talked to a man at Les Schwab Tire Co. that called me “buddy” 5 times in 30 seconds.
4. Realized on the drive home I had been repeating that SNL skit in my head for 30 minutes.
5. Noticed mormon asians creep me out… They all look alike and dress the same.
6. High school reunions for people who were home schooled must be really boring.
7. Had a dream that I was involved in a secret military program to make use of turtles on the battlefield, but was constantly losing funding to the bunny division because they were progressing quicker.
8. Hypothesized that many hostage situations could resolved with hugs.
9. Realized that if ever put into practice those few hostage situations that couldn’t be resolved with hugs would quickly rack up a body count.
10. After 6 Walmart runs, I have yet to be greeted by the new batch of greeters. WTF

Highlights of my week

Nick Ratliff — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 20:24:42 +0000

1. Wondered if staring at creepers until the creepers felt uncomfortable would help my love life.

2. Handed a pamphlet entitled, “Idaho Nursing Homes: The fun place to live” to a Wal-mart greeter.

3. Made jokes at Daryl’s expense until she got pissed. It was fun.

4. Told a few more jokes at Daryl’s expense. It was still fun.

5. Realized that there are few things in life quite as satisfying as the sound that comes from open-palm slapping the bare chest of a peacefully sleeping roommate.

6. Plugged my upcoming trip to Seattle in Highlights of My Week: Anybody want to go to Seattle for a weekend so I’m not bearing the burden of the cost of gas alone?

7. Just had the brilliant idea of selling advertisements in Highlights of My Week (Need advertising? Email: Iamninjailikeblack@gmail.com)

8. Once again, abused the Comment Box at Subway, “Can’t you guys offer burritos or something?”

9. Had a nearly overwhelming urge to pluck/shave/do-something-about the forests that are called “eyebrows” on the face of the Shucks auto-supply clerk.

10. I farted.

Highlights of my Week

Nick Ratliff — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 08:58:13 +0000

1. Pretended to work at Hot Topic and handed “tissues for the tears” to every emo kid that came into the store.
2. Realized I’m probably the only person wondering when the next “Weekend at Burnie’s” movie will come out.
3. Sent in an audition tape to MTV’s made: I want to be made into a Mexican narco-terrorist.
4. Made a special note on the tape that I don’t want to learn Spanish.
5. Thought it was ironic that Abercrombie models, despite working for a clothing store, seem to have a serious lack of clothes to wear for the catalog.
6. Realized that Apple computers are racist against all the colored computers.
7. Wished more hostage situations could be resolved with Wendy’s chicken nuggets.
8. Decided that if I ever get the chance, I’m going to punch Dr. Phil in the face.
9. Walked up to strangers at the mall, made one line statements that were in no way clever or funny, and then added the line, “See what I did there?”
10.Mall security did see what I did there but still escorted me to my car.

Highlights of My Week

Nick Ratliff — Sun, 25 May 2008 07:15:27 +0000

1. Did an experiment involving different SPF level sun blocks, my arm, and 6 hours in the sun.
2. Wondered if Alex Corn is still wearing girl pants.
3. Farted on the bus and pointed at the sleeping old guy next to me when a fellow rider gave me her “What is wrong with you?”-look.
4. Pondered why Ketchup and Mustard never make for an orange concoction when I put them on my hotdog.
5. Realized that no matter what I say, a British person will always sound smarter if they say it.
6. Realized that no matter what I say, an Indian person will always sound funnier if they say it.
7. Wondered how much more epic Jim from the office would have been if, rather than putting a stapler in jello, he had made a stapler out of jello.
8. Read highlight 4 twice, I don’t feel like writing an 8th highlight.
9. Left my phone number on a napkin for the hot waitress at Red Robin.
10.Got a call later that night from a bus boy.