Highlights of my week

1. Realized NNU gives students bunkbeds, not to save space, but to ensure the person on the top bunk doesn’t have any kind of sex life what so ever.
2. Invented a game called “how close can you slide on the tile floor Risky Business style without hitting the door.”
3. Substituted Orbitz gum for brushing my teeth.
4. Wondered how HBO’s ratings would have faired if Sex and the City had been about male sex lives.
5. Came across a drunk naked wino with a strategically placed cardboard sign that said “invisible.”
6. Let the cops help the bum understand that no matter how drunk you are, hiding behind a sign that says, “invisible” doesn’t make you invisible.
7. Realized that describing events in WWII can be easily skewed into sexual innuendo. “Wanna do a little island hopping?” or “I’ll invade your Normandy beaches.”
8. Wrote a letter to Ragu spaghetti sauce proposing a “golden ticket” marketing scheme where some lucky winner would win a spot in an organized crime syndicate.
9. Wrote another letter to Ragu demanding they compensate for the stains their sauce put on my favorite shirt.
10. Met a guy in a red and white striped shirt, handed him a map, and said, “Find yourself mother fucker.”

Highlights of My Week ( last week)

1. Was disappointed to realized the population of dump trucks in the sandbox as a kid was in no way proportional to the population of dump trucks in the world at large.
2. Followed the stuck up blonde in my French class around the Dex and kept whispering, “You don’t want to eat that.”
3. Found out that the new Wal-mart sample attendants are so old and senile they can’t remember if you’ve already taken a sample. Free meals (albeit in small bites) for life!
4. Had a dream I ended the world in 1998 by getting Carson Daily excited about something on TRL.
5. Let an Elementary Ed major practice reading to me as if I was a 2nd grader.
6. Wrote a review of the Elementary Ed major in which I suggested she pick a book that wasn’t so uplifting and wouldn’t give the kids such unrealistic expectations about life.
7. Realized the squishy Walmart Greeter standing mats make great seat cushions.
8. Thus, invented a game called “distract the greeter while a buddy steals their squishy mat.”
9. Wondered how high school would have been different if Goth kids would have picked a happier color to wear.
10.Set a new record of only remarking 3 times this week on how pretty my car is.

Highlights of my Week

1. Wished that just once, someone in the background of a local news anchor “live at the scene” would stop and check out the anchor woman’s ass.
2. Began basing my opinions of 40 year olds by whether or not they could regularly use the word “dude.”
3. Talked to a man at Les Schwab Tire Co. that called me “buddy” 5 times in 30 seconds.
4. Realized on the drive home I had been repeating that SNL skit in my head for 30 minutes.
5. Noticed mormon asians creep me out… They all look alike and dress the same.
6. High school reunions for people who were home schooled must be really boring.
7. Had a dream that I was involved in a secret military program to make use of turtles on the battlefield, but was constantly losing funding to the bunny division because they were progressing quicker.
8. Hypothesized that many hostage situations could resolved with hugs.
9. Realized that if ever put into practice those few hostage situations that couldn’t be resolved with hugs would quickly rack up a body count.
10. After 6 Walmart runs, I have yet to be greeted by the new batch of greeters. WTF

Highlights of my week

1.  Wondered if staring at creepers until the creepers felt uncomfortable would help my love life.

2. Handed a pamphlet entitled, “Idaho Nursing Homes: The fun place to live” to a Wal-mart greeter.

3. Made jokes at Daryl’s expense until she got pissed. It was fun.

4. Told a few more jokes at Daryl’s expense. It was still fun.

5. Realized that there are few things in life quite as satisfying as the sound that comes from open-palm slapping the bare chest of a peacefully sleeping roommate.

6. Plugged my upcoming trip to Seattle in Highlights of My Week: Anybody want to go to Seattle for a weekend so I’m not bearing the burden of the cost of gas alone?

7. Just had the brilliant idea of selling advertisements in Highlights of My Week (Need advertising? Email: Iamninjailikeblack@gmail.com)

8. Once again, abused the Comment Box at Subway, “Can’t you guys offer burritos or something?”

9. Had  a nearly overwhelming urge to pluck/shave/do-something-about the forests that are called “eyebrows” on the face of the Shucks auto-supply clerk.

10. I farted.

Highlights of My Week

1. Did an experiment involving different SPF level sun blocks, my arm, and 6 hours in the sun.
2. Wondered if Alex Corn is still wearing girl pants.
3. Farted on the bus and pointed at the sleeping old guy next to me when a fellow rider gave me her “What is wrong with you?”-look.
4. Pondered why Ketchup and Mustard never make for an orange concoction when I put them on my hotdog.
5. Realized that no matter what I say, a British person will always sound smarter if they say it.
6. Realized that no matter what I say, an Indian person will always sound funnier if they say it.
7. Wondered how much more epic Jim from the office would have been if, rather than putting a stapler in jello, he had made a stapler out of jello.
8. Read highlight 4 twice, I don’t feel like writing an 8th highlight.
9. Left my phone number on a napkin for the hot waitress at Red Robin.
10.Got a call later that night from a bus boy.

Highlights of my week 3/23/08-3/28/08

1. Declared April 13th “National Replace-R’s-with-W’s-to-sound-like-a-3-year-old Day”
2. Felt that of all the creatures, chickens make the least scary zombies.
3. Had a nightmare where MacGyver’s mullet detached from Richard Dean Anderson’s head and attacked the Easter bunny.
4. Realized the Power Rangers had subtle racist undertones.
5. Failed a sobriety test sober.
6. Felt left out because of the double standard with Facebook relationship statuses. Why is it “cute” for girls to be “its complicated” with each other but its gay when guys do it?
7. Took a 4am homework break from a research paper to watch this video.
8. Found myself writing about proper squirrel hunting techniques and cited the video above.
9. Wondered if the Prince of Bel-Air ever got “fresh” with the 20-something intern.
10.Realized that the coolest thing I have ever thought of is a live-action Rick-roll.
Bonus Highlight:
Had a nightmare about a pissed off squirrel after watching this video

Highlights of my week

1. Saw a man with a superman shirt and had an urge to shoot him in the chest.

2. Wished more hostage situations would be resolved by Wendy’s chicken nuggets.

3. Played a little game called “guess which kind of salad dressing I smothered your bed in” after my roommate refused to do the dishes.

4. Had an undeclared staring contest with the creepy Wal-Mart greeter that doesn’t blink.

5. Accidentally stapled my thumb.

6. Blamed China for making a crappy stapler and thus stapling my thumb.

7. Proved that studying is optional when I set the curve for my Poli-Sci class with a 97% on the midterm.

8. Proved that sleep is optional when you have a case of Mt. Dew next to your desk.

9. Jumped on the bandwagon and started folding instead of wadding toilet paper.

10.Prepared my famous last words for when I know I’m going to die: “They were wrong, you can hold down a gallon of milk.”

Highlights of my Week Oct. 7-12, 2007

1. Thought about paying the first person who wronged me back by smacking that doctor’s bare ass and yelling “its a pervert!”

2. Gave a Walmart greeter a frowny face sticker.

3. Brainstormed situations when there is an evolutionary advantage for a beer belly.

4. Wondered if the human race would survive if the adage “Step on a crack, break your mothers back” were true.

5. Crossed the letter “f” off my “Crap out the alphabet” list.

6. Had a dream where humans were being scientifically tested on by monkeys with drug laced bananas.

7. Woke up and checked the back of my roommate for parasites.

8. Thought about what dancing to ABBA in public would do for my love life.

9. Set a new record for the month only being caught farting in public twice.

10.Came to the conclusion that, when playing with a friend, Dance Dance Revolution is not a bloodless revolution.

Highlights of September 23rd – 29th

1. Got sick of making lists of things to do before I die so I made a list of things I will never do before I die.

2. Came to terms with each of those things and checked them off in a tear of regret.

3. Asked the Walmart Greeter to hold my hand so I could cross the street.

4. Looked both ways and safely got across the street.

5. Put in the iPod earphones at a local coffee shop without playing music so as to
eavesdrop on the group of old lady’s girl talk without suspicion.

6. Learned that artificial hips are now made out of carbon-fiber.

7. Flashed my high beams and signaled a newlywed couple to pull over so I could let them know that there were pop cans tied to their bumper.

8. Talked with an asian guy with my eyes forced wide open.

9. Cried a little inside when the kids at the pool wouldn’t let me play Marco-Polo.

10.Made a resolution to stop telling “Your Mom” jokes in class.

Highlights of my week

1. Received a stapler from an obviously peeved professor for tuning in un-stapled assignments.
2. Hoped it was the cute new marketing prof.
3. Decided I need a little less emo in my life so I thought about killing the quiet emo transfer on the second floor.
4. Decided it would be nicer just to laugh at his tears.
5. Finally got my new car tabs… nothing funny about that; it’s just a highlight because I got mail.
5. Wrote in the comment section of a chapel card “Some pyrotechnics would really liven this place up.”
6. I think I finally drove a Walmart greeter into retirement… that or the broad died… which is kind of a retirement I guess.
7. Got yelled at for being tall by a 5′2″ blonde soccer mom.
8. Yelled at the lady for being a bitch.
9. Ran away from the lady’s 6’2” 250lb husband.
10. Played Rock-paper-scissors with the new Wal-mart greeter until I was asked to leave.