Highlights of My Week

1. Realized Babe Ruth is to baseball what Lady Gaga is to prostitution.
2. Also realized Sarah Palin is the political equivalent to herpes.
3. Wished any future children of mine’s first words are “hello world.”
4. Felt the need to download Anti-piracy adds from Limewire.
5. Wondered how many takes it took in Top Gun for Tom Cruise to get his famous “I’ve got the need for speed” line right. We all know he said, “I’ve got the need for cock” at least once.
6. Decided to make my own version of “That’s what she said.” I call it “Wow, good thing that had context.”
After many a pantsless Saturdays, I’ve concluded pants are a conspiracy of the working elite.
8. Invented a game called “Find someone with a WWJD bracelet” and offer them wine.
9. Wished I had a spaceship so I could go to other planets and make crop circles to confuse aliens.
10. Realized that my father was very disrespectful to my mother every time he called me a “son-of-a-bitch” growing up.